Silence is loud

Silence is LOUD' 07/04/2009In a quiet building, in my little room, with no noise to wrestle me.
I sit in sadness as I wait for the stillness to be free.
Its crazy though how quietness can really tear you down,
because it makes the thoughts and words grow softer all around.
And then you're left with you alone to deal with everything,
of pain, of hurt, of emptiness, of missing family.
You deal with all the memories you try so hard to loose,
of being hurt and immature of all your donts and do's.
You bear with silence in your tears and sounds of ticks and tocks
as you sit amgonst your naked couch and feel your body rock.
You deal with hatred boiling and everything in between,
of times you wished you weren't so dumb and blindness could be seen.
And most of all you deal with...suffocating from this grasp,
that silence builds and stillness fills as it lasts and lasts and lasts.
And out the window of your room, life seems to act the same,
like "peace be still" and "love is real" and Angies just "insane"
No crickets heard, no doors are slammed just me, myself and I,
wishing change did not and family did, stay ever sweetly by.
How change continues is ironic for it seems its constantly,
revolving, removing, reillistrating my life for all to see.
The wisphers begged to be heard from families in my past,t
o keep my silence dead and gone and joy that seems to last.
Voices heard once everyday are miles and days apart,
while life right here in my small room cuts deeper in my heart.
For granted it will never be how once the noise proclaimed,
rants and raves, fights galore and sisters with "A" names.
My sweet lil sisters oh how I miss, the shouts that always spilled,
cuz now my tears are in its place and it constantly will build.
Along with God you helped me heal to get back on my feet,
with laughs and jokes of life itself, and our memories to repeat.
And now i "think" the loudly voices try hard to come to life
but when i blink and stare beside, i know my sight aint right.
Its empty... my room I mean, I imagined it was full,
so silence plays its tricks on me because its quietly cruel.
But in my hand there stands a phone that rings so very low,
and then "Hello, hey sis whats up, we miss you very so."
and for a minute noise comes back and brightens up my day
because those girls i hold so close in every single way.
And in my room, I sit and sit and listen one by one,
to Ashley talk, and Audrey laugh, and Alanna having fun.
But times won't stop and phones dont wait for me to be suffice,
it works its way so easily for me to pay the price.
And bye's do come and clicks are heard, as I wrestle with my phone,
and wait for noise to leave my place and silence to condone.
And then my phone just startles me as message just appears,.............
"SIS WE LOVE AND MISS YOU GIRL, BE STRONG FOR US MY DEAR"

MY FACE

before any one reads this just know that this poem was written last year and that it was my way of getting through things. Any negative opinions or comments that are felt is therefore kept to yourself because this is my page and this is what I wanted to express on my facebook.. any positve comments please fel free to share.. just know that God is working through me and in me.. Love ya..M FACE: 01/06/2009"Here I am, humbled by the love that you give, forgiven so that I CAN "forgive"I am HUMAN... I have natural instincts... I have natural reflexes and I have natural abilities.Most importantly...I have SIN...cold-blooded fleshly sin that has a mind of its own.I am also saved...I have Christ and his unconditional and irreplaceable love for me.I have his life in my heart. I have his forgiveness... His undefying, self-sacrificial forgiveness that erases all my debt. He gave me that power to forgive others though. He gave me the responsibility to forgive others.I sit here and am amazed that i dont know how to handle it. Its just be one or actually two people.Its not suppse to be a big deal Right? I mean Christ forgave all-and all is definitly more than one or two.How'd he do it? How did his facial expression convince us that he was serious.My face fails me. Do I need a new one? one that obviously backs up the words "I forgive you"in an attempt to make you believe me. How easy life would be if we all wore paper bags over our head.I could forgive and get away with it. I make forgiveness sound like a sin. Well the way I forgive must be.It doesnt convince even me. Its all a lie. My face betrays my word of mouth. What Am i suppose to do? No matter which way i turn-it ends up being all wrong. I could just not say it at all cause i know I dontmean it or I could say it and hope it kicks in sooner than later. But still my face-it gives me away.What should I do with each significant part of me that reacts to mess I'm entitled to forgive.What do i do with the pain and hatred stuck in my throat...?Swallow it in bitterness or release it in gossip, slander, and anger.What do i do with my quivering mouth...?frown in a remorse pool of tears or smile in suffering as though my lips will be scarred for life.What does my nose do when it flairs up in rage...?Inhale the poisen of that trecherous situation till I suffocate, or exhale the toxic of dissapointment and revenge.What do I do with my ears that distinctively recognize the laughter and love of the individuals behavior...?ignore them in paranoia in a failed attempt, or suffer alone as my ears try to find coverings thick enough to escape their present voices.What does my eyes so aware of any particular movement do when engulfed with scenes of happiness in exchange for mine?close them blindly as i walk around in self pity or bear the burning tingly evidence of my struggleto get past another minute as i roll them around.What role does my mind play as it rewinds uncontrollably the insanity and murder of my heart..?Think it out in anxiety, or reherse the steps to forget every chance I remember endlessly. My face BETRAYS ME.... It DECEIVES ME. I cannot run. I'm stuck... I'm Trapped.MY face has already recognized the situation. When I do run, that face will still be there.I am stuck with this face.I cannot run from this face. Jesus knew how; he knew what to say.He gave me amazing powers to react after his model. But my face was not there when his face did it.I know the act to follow but am blinded to his reaction.I am human... I have sin... I have Christ.. and I have his love.He forgave all.. He gave me the responsibility to forgive others.And these two-are nothing compared to the amount christ has. and still... I am HUMAN and I am lost.I am weak and he is strong.HOW DOES MY FACE FORGIVE?